first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Semen is not good for contacts.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
