yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
