Will you blow on my dice?
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just found puke in my bra..
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Randomize
