thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
