cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
