i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
