Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
