i don't like sucking hair
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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