She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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