my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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