good thing vaginas are great cup holders
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
