I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
