Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
