You made me cry and you don't even care
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
