tequila makes me forget i have legs
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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