If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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