So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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