You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
