If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
