I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
