We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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