She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
