Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
