he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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