Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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