someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
