im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I have fence marks all over my body
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
