What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Randomize
