i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
