the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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