don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I deserve this hangover.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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