nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
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He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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