Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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