So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
