I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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