I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
