Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
