Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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