turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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