You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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