i think my tv is drunk
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
