We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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