Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Randomize
