Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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