Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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