just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
