Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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