Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
