Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
