addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
