I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
