1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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