I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
