I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
