Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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