Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Shame is for Republicans.
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